Robin Williams, If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. You come back from work, she's there.

So basically, it’s just like the iPhone. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. It terrifies everyone. Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go? George Carlin, Laugh often, long and loud. Cathy Guisewite, Everything is changing. Chris Rock, They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Thanks for sharing.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. "Women marry men hoping they will change. George Carlin, Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Jules Renard, The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. "Marriage has no guarantees. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison, 33. Jon Stewart Click to tweet, I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’ Stephen Colbert, When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it.

And do you know what I like about comedy? Dave Chappelle, Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. Jim Gaffigan, The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’. Tina Fey, Say yes. Henry Ford, The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Edgar Watson Howe Click to tweet, Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. I’m really protective of my penis. Bill Vaughan, The human brain is special. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?

Tina Fey, What turning forty means to me? Ricky Gervais, Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Stephen Colbert Click to tweet, Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Jimmy Fallon, New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. Steven Wright, If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Gene Perret, It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. That’s a good one! “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain, 14.

Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died. Bill Murray, There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have.

Hug yourself. Robin Williams, Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. Ricky Gervais, Enjoy life. Everything is a team effort. We have reached over 155 million views in the past 6 years, and amassed over 200,000 followers on social media. is often riddled with hilarious moments. “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant, 8. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

Good night. Jimmy Fallon, I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on. Pablo Picasso, Puns are the highest form of literature. Then we met. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. And laugh. Friedrich Nietzsche, You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. — Dr. Joyce Brothers, American psychologist, 6. Lily Tomlin, Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. The good and the bad. Steve Martin, Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. “You can’t have everything. Erma Bombeck, And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. Ricky Gervais, Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It lightens human burdens. "Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. Which are your favorite motivational quotes? “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West, 47. Click to tweet.

We have everything to live for. Also no. Then he’s finished. I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. Molly McGee, Men are like a deck of cards. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Mark Twain, A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

158 Funny Quotes Bring a smile to your face with these funny quotes - you will find laughter, humor, and a bit of wisdom in these. Tina Fey, It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. ", 50 Lionel Messi Quotes About Soccer, Work & Success, 50 Motivational G-Eazy Quotes About His Life, 42 Ingeniously Motivational Miles Davis Quotes, 67 Patience Quotes That’ll Stop You from Giving up, Your email address will not be published. Jim Carrey, Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright, 19. What you are is a liar food. Stephen Colbert, Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. — Dr. Joyce Brothers, American psychologist, 15. Mitch Hedberg, The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. "The definition of eternity is two people and a ham." Woody Allen, I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. I like to kick people when they’re up.

“Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” – Jeffrey Gitomer, 4.

— Anonymous, 10. Enjoy every moment of your life. I want to see the struggle. Funny Life Quotes. G.K. Chesterton, My way of joking is to tell the truth. You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. “When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?”” – Sydney Harris, 24. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. I found it funny. Most of them would be too scared to even try. Rodney Dangerfield, I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. Ellen DeGeneres, I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are.

Ryan Reynolds, Anyone know the number to 911? Don’t text or twitter during the show. You can find him on Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Quora, Strava, Sportstats, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. It is also remembering to take out the trash." I just wanna get some chips. You’re allowed to be silly. Even fish that talk. Have worth. Oscar Wilde, A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. We don’t often feature funny quotes on Wealthy Gorilla, but after compiling this list, I’ll make an exception. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz, 30. Fran Lebowitz, Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. — Ogden Nash, American poet, 27. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones, 41.

“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley, 43. I hope it will last. It is only painful for others. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." Rodney Dangerfield, My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. — Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, 28. Jimmy Fallon, I wanted to be a Priest at one point. 29 Funny Mom Quotes That Will Have You Cry-Laughing Charlotte Hilton Andersen Updated: Mar. “The best things in life are actually really expensive.” – Unknown, 10. "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." Unknown, I’m actually not funny. George Carlin Click to tweet, Clothes make the man. See more ideas about Quotes, Bitch quotes, Funny quotes. 12 Copy quote. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. Steve Martin Click to tweet, You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.

Jon Stewart, If we amplify everything we hear nothing. Wow! Joan Rivers Click to tweet, Reality continues to ruin my life. George Carlin, Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. — Albert Einstein, German physicist, 7. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. Kevin Hart, These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face!

"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic.

Rodney Dangerfield, If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.

Eddie Murphy, Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Kevin Hart, All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams, 50 Tupac Quotes About Friends, Life & Moving On, 40 Famous Inspirational Quotes for Kids in School, Dan Western is the founder of Wealthy Gorilla. So read through these funny quotes from our favorite famous folks (even throw one or two into your ceremony readings, vows or a wedding toast!)

And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. You’re only as good as your last haircut. “Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.” – Unknown, 5. Jon Stewart, It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya. We've compiled a list of top 80 funny sarcastic sayings and awesome quotes about sarcasm. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott, 6. Ricky Gervais Robin Williams Ryan Reynolds Stephen Colbert Steve Martin Tina Fey Will Ferrell Woody Allen Zach Galifianakis. Ricky Gervais, If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. Louis C.K. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Steven Wright Click to tweet, The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K. Rodney Dangerfield, Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Looking for the best sarcastic quotes? It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. So far, so good. Dave Chappelle, The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. You eat dinner, she's there.

Milton Berle Click to tweet, When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. It’s kind of ironic. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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